Mae, 30, and Chevy, 37 have been together for seven years and married for almost six. They have three “Minions of Darkness,” 5, 3, and 7 months. She answered her questions with a baby in her lap. Been there, my friend!
1. How, when, and where did you meet and what is the first thing you thought about your partner when you met?
Mae: I knew his friends online back in the days of IRC when computers made screeching noises every time you wanted to get on the internet. We didn’t physically meet until a decade later when those friends helped me relocate to Florida after my first marriage blew up (daddy issues, don’t marry your tattooist/drug dealer, fyi).
I will remember that.
Chevy: Mae lived in California while I was in Florida. We knew of each other through mutual friends on my side of the country since 1996. Meeting in person didn’t happen till 2007. She had decided to come out to restart her life around the time I was working on the same thing. My buddy had worked out a living arrangement with her, they had previously had some romantic interest but the arrangement was platonic. I was sure of this as I had asked my friend about it. I told him either way if he screwed it up I was going for it. She flew out and I got a call once they were driving back from the airport. That night as all the friends she came out to see celebrated inside the house we stood outside on the porch smoking together most of the night. We had probably had two complete conversations before that night, as soon as we met in person it was like we always been together. Everyone was completely freaked out by it… except us. The first thing I thought was that her hair was very powerful, curl plus sudden humidity equals supreme stadium hair. Also her style was much like a gothic gypsy…. so I was totally digging it.
Anyone who likes curly hair in humidity is a keeper in my book!
2. What is your favorite physical feature of your partner?
Mae: I have three: lips, shoulders, and his penis. Not kidding. It’s like it was made to fit me physically.
Chevy: Without trying to sound cliche, I have many favorites. From the way her hazel eyes seem to change from green to yellow depending on her mood or the little bit of belly that she showed the first time I saw her in a tank top and panties. I still love her belly even after three kids, her hips too. I also love to run my fingers through her hair, she has these little ringlets… oh, I think you get the point.
The women who say penis here are like the guys who propose in like a helicopter ride or something. Raising the bar for everyone else. And I love how Chevy is so enamored of his wife!
3. What is your favorite personality trait of your partner?
Mae: This guy is perceptive! He’s smart! He’s intuitive! He’s dedicated! He’s stubborn! He’s not afraid to get down and dirty in the muck and mire of being a human being.
Chevy: She is the most brutally sincere person I’ve ever met. We actually have had many, many fights that pretty much boil down to me being freaked out by her honesty and not being capable of understanding that there really is no underlying motive or secret feelings being left unsaid. She is the only person I’ve ever met that can say honestly “I hate you” in a fight and mean it, while being able to maintain the understanding that feelings are temporary and volatile. She also has a very solidly black sense of humor that makes the sun shine for me.
These are very unique answers and show that these two really know each other intimately. Also they are both verbally and psychologically minded, so that’s a good match.
4. What is something your partner does nearly every day that makes you happy?
Mae: No matter how tired he is after work, he comes home and rubs my legs and feet in the evening. And he listens to me when I’m talking and sees me as a person whose opinions and insights matter.
Chevy: She asks me to scratch her back when I get home from work, she says she misses me touching her. Since I also miss touching her it works out.
Is anyone else surprised by how often foot rubs get mentioned in this column and my Facebook page? Guys, if you’re not doing this already, do it. Oh here’s how to get it: say you miss the guy touching you. Now that’s smart. (Just kidding I know you mean it. But still, smart.)
5. What is the nicest thing your partner ever did for you, in your whole relationship?
Mae: Chevy never gave up on me, even when he should have. He forgave me when he didn’t have to. He loved me when I was unlovable.
Chevy: She gave me the benefit of the doubt when everything she had ever experienced or knew told her not to. She helped me get through a lot of my own hurt and brokenness with my family and stood by me and helped me carry on when I was at my lowest.
Both of them feels that the other stood by them at their lowest, which makes them feel loved at their core.
6. List the top five best qualities of your spouse: physical, emotional, mental, anything.
Mae: Intelligence, perception, wit, intuition, compassion, drive to provide. He’s not afraid to admit when he’s wrong and make the changes he needs to make it right.
Chevy: She is emotionally honest, purely feminine in her willfulness and strength, stubborn, loyal and awful pretty to look at in the morning.
Sometimes when I do these columns I feel like I am giving a certain kind of guy a layup. When guys are verbal and romantic, this Functional Couple Friday just shows them at their best. Don’t worry, women who have less emotionally open partners. This guy is unusual in his expressiveness. ![:)]()
7. What are the top five things you and your partner have in common?
Mae: 1) We have the same dry wit, lots of joke cracking in our house. 2) We both think kids need to come second to our relationship for us to be the best parents possible. Both of us were in emotionally enmeshed relationships with our opposite sex parent as children and we work very, very hard together to heal one another. 3) We love to share things with one another that the other has little familiarity with. He’s big into martial arts, I’m an economics and history buff. I’ve turned him onto libertarianism and Thomas Sowell, he’s shown me why Bruce Lee is awesome and taught me about Ken Shamrock and Tank Abbott. 4) We are both stubborn, willful, argumentative problem solvers who aren’t afraid to talk and talk and talk and talk a problem out until we a) understand one another and b) come to a mutually satisfying conclusion. 5) we never stop touching each other or telling the other we love them. It’s a big deal for us both to be physically in contact hourly or more. We say we love each other every chance we get. And show it, too.
Chevy: We share common libertarian political leanings, beliefs and difficulties with religion and God. We both love our children, dream of having a large piece of land to raise our kids on and live free. We are both passionate and appreciative of life and world surrounding us while both being acutely aware of the horrors the world can produce and the dangers that hide right behind the glitz of modern living.
You need a blog, Chevy. Do you have one? I would read your blog. You’re a good writer. Anyway, I like how Mae looks at deep seated emotional issues, personality traits, and hobbies for things they have in common. Nobody can accuse this couple of not going below the surface in their conversations, that’s for sure. I also like how she introduced him to libertarianism but now he directly says it as his own value because he has really taken it on. Couples who internalize some of each other’s worldviews do a lot better than couples who are always emphasizing their differences and not allowing their spouse to influence them on any deep level.
8. Have you ever been in couples counseling. Why? Did it help?
Mae: Yes! Childhood abuses leading to emotionally and verbally abusing one another, not being able to walk away from a disagreement before it spiraled out of control, and totally being in denial about the level of narcissistic abuse his family put him through as a kid and as an adult. I handled that like a shrieking harpy because of my own issues, and that made us both afraid. Talking to a shrink actually didn’t help. Nothing was said by the poor guy that we didn’t already know, but I will say that having to speak to a third party and listen to him speak to one as well cleared up our misconceptions and helped us past otherwise insurmountable mutual defensiveness.
Chevy: We pursued counseling in the beginning of our marriage before our first child was born, later we tried again. Both instances were due to depression and emotional trauma from family and friend issues. We fought a lot over money and being poor. The counseling didn’t help much at the time, but it did eventually help lead us down the right road to recovery.
You guys should read The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment![]()
and Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect![]()
. You’d like both books.
and Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
. You’d like both books.9. How often do you hug? Kiss? Have sex?
Mae: We cuddle nightly. He rubs my legs and scratches my back, I touch him but admittedly not as often. He doesn’t really ask, I don’t really offer, we’re working that out these days. Zoloft helps. Kissing and hugging is a spontaneous all day event. Sadly, sex has been on hold by mutual agreement for the last five months due to the birth of baby three and both of us getting fat and uncomfortable in our skins. We talked it over and realized that so much has been going on recently that while we both wanna do it really really badly, neither one of us wants to do it enough to overcome the nightly exhaustion. Plus, fat. So so fat. Now that we’ve knocked a ton of stuff off the vital “omg wtf do it now asap!” list, we’re planning diet and exercise changes together and looking forward to screwing very, very soon. Seriously. We need to screw. Like now.
Chevy: We hug and kiss several times a day, sex fluctuates. In the beginning we were like rabbits. We evened out over the years but probably still average twice a week. We have had a dry spell for the last couple of months but it is mutual. I miss her and she misses me but we have both gained a lot of weight and feel unhealthy and unattractive, so we have unofficially decided to get healthy together so we can live longer and happier lives together, get more physical once we’ve lost a little weight.
Just as an aside, perhaps the Zoloft is impeding your sex drives, which is very common. Could potentially consider speaking to your providers about an alternate medication.
10. Which of you has a higher sex drive and how do you deal with any differences in sex drive between the two of you?
Mae: He’s hornier by maybe 10%. We’re very evenly matched. When there is a difference we talk it out. Sometimes I’ll let him tag it without any expectations of an orgasm, sometimes he takes care of momma under the same circumstances. Before the recent dry spell, we weren’t afraid to turn on a movie for the kids and run off for fifteen minutes of mommy and daddy time. Seriously. Sanity saving.
Chevy: We probably have a pretty even sex drive, we both fluctuate with ups and downs and we’re both receptive to the other whichever the desire takes us. I am happy to say that we can both be extreme hornballs for each other and I think that is essential to marital bliss.
I have heard of this sex when the kids are watching TV thing before and personally I can only do it if all are confined in their rooms/beds. Kudos to you though.
11. How long did you wait to have sex? Are you glad you had sex for the first time when you did?
Mae: We had our first date and I tried to bag him that night. Loose morals and all that. Buuut he waited. I was pissed. But confused. Nobody ever waited in the past and his valuing of me enough to want to wait for a better time was new for me. Before Chevy I was pretty easy, Daddy issues, went after bad guys who who hit it and quit it. He confused me with his chivalry. That was the first spark in my mind that he was more than just sexy.
Chevy: We almost did on our first date, she asked me in and I said I had to go home and rethink my life. I rethought my life and decided I wasn’t going to turn her down twice. I wanted to show her that she wasn’t a one night stand but I also wasn’t willing to lose her over holding back. I do wish sometimes that we had waited a little longer but what happened happened. If it isn’t broke don’t fix it.
When a woman tends to be promiscuous, the idea of a man wanting her for more than sex is usually a big turn on. But in general, don’t reject women for sex, guys. The window is brief before you’re friend zoned.
12. What is the number one issue you fight about, and are you working on resolving it? How?
Mae: We fought constantly about his abusive and intrusive parents. They aren’t in the picture anymore. Their absence allowed us to work out the hurt they caused us, that we then in turn caused each other and our kids. That led into talking about my family and the eventually to both of us getting on Zoloft. After Zoloft, it was like smoke clearing and we just got more and pain on the same page. These days we squabble about how to load the dishwasher.
Chevy: Money or my parents… both usually at the same time and usually coinciding in some way. We our now closer than ever before to gaining financial security and have worked out the toxic relationships, be that family or friends, that were causing trauma to our marriage.
Good deal. Intrusive or difficult in-laws can be marriage destroying. Glad you worked it out.
13. What are the top three stressors in your lives?
Mae: Money! Work! Three kids! Augh!
Chevy: Money, work and miscommunication.
WTF, three kids are easy.
14. What is one thing that you’re looking forward to as a couple?
Mae: Growing old together. I couldn’t do it with anyone else.
Chevy: Relocating, finally starting our lives somewhere that is more in line with the the lives we want to live and see our our children and ourselves grow strong.
You can see this couple takes a long term view.
15. Fill this in: I am glad I married my partner because…
Mae: No bullshit can break us! he is without a doubt the man for me, good or bad, up or down. He is my beloved.
Chevy: Without her I would be living someone else life or quite possibly be dead and buried already.
Guys, come on, stop being so wishy washy with this question. Ha ha.
16. Give me one secret thought that you’ve never told your partner. Something you think about them, about the relationship, about yourself, anything.
Mae: I can’t because I literally tell him everything. Actually. There’s nothing I’ve doen in my past, said inn my present or wanted in my future that I haven’t talked to him about.
Chevy: The only thing I’ve not told her is if I broke down and watched porn and forgot about it. We confessed all our dark secrets to each other pretty early on, hard to explain but it was necessary We told each other things we would never tell anyone else. We have actually horrified other couples with what we share with each other.
That’s honest. And somehow I believe that this couple tells each other everything!
Don’t you love their no BS attitude? They love each other and they are two unique souls. Thanks for participating, guys. And, readers, if you want me to profile you and your beloved, submit here!
Till we meet again, I remain, Your Favorite and Only Blogapist.