Welcome to Functional Couple Friday with Ariel, 29, and Douglas, 38! They have been together for 7.5 years, and married for 2.5 years. They have two daughters (his biological daughters), 13 years old and 10 years old and are trying for their first baby together. Take it away, guys!
1. How, when, and where did you meet and what is the first thing you thought about your partner when you met?
Ariel: I had just lost a job when I was 22 years old and found myself panicking in need of a new one. I walked into a Mexican restaurant to apply for my server job. He was the manager who interviewed me that day. I ended up working there for a year, but we were dating on the sly for half of my time there.
I honestly had no inclination to date him at all. I had no thoughts! I needed a job! He was my manager and I never thought of him that way. He called me out of the blue to talk and we spent about 8 hours on the phone that night.
After the first night we spent together, we had never been apart since.
Douglas: We met at work. I was her boss and did her first interview. I thought she was confident to the point of arrogance and that she was full of attitude.
Men love feisty women.
2. What is your favorite physical feature of your partner?
Ariel: Hmmm… that’s hard. His chest. It is perfect “standing pillow” height and always smells perfect.
Douglas: Everything! If forced to pick, her eyes.
Translation: her boobs.
3. What is your favorite personality trait of your partner?
Ariel: I love his dirty side, I really do. He is such a nice guy and so calm and collected all the time, but he is actually quite mysteriously edgy and dark. I like that I am also one of the few people that know about it.
Not anymore, you’re not!
Douglas: Confidence.
4. What is something your partner does nearly every day that makes you happy?
Ariel: He takes the time to hug me, look at me, touch me.
Douglas: Makes time in her day to call me and/or always embraces me when I get home, if she is awake.
How sweet, two physical love language people found each other.
5. What is the nicest thing your partner ever did for you, in your whole relationship?
Ariel: He fought for me. There was a time I was ready to walk out the door because I started to believe there may be someone else out there willing to love me better. He proved me wrong.
Douglas: I can’t pick just one, but I can pick a theme. Art & gifts. My wife has turned pictures, love notes and letters into artwork we have in the house. Example: She went through letters we have written to each other and pulled our on words from them. She then had these blown up and put on a canvas that is hanging in our bedroom, all in our own handwriting.
6. List the top five best qualities of your spouse: physical, emotional, mental, anything.
Ariel: While he is a sexual person, he is good to women. Complete absence of any misogyny. Not a fraction of him. I’m not defining him as a complete GENTLEMAN, but as a father of two daughters and a kind man, he never degrades, gawks or disrespect women in anyway. He never makes off handed jokes about them, he doesn’t rate them. That just doesn’t happen with him at all.
He never complains. He isn’t a whiner. When some people stub their toe, you might hear about it for an hour. He will hurt himself and it’s like it never really happened. It’s great for me because I can be a negative Nancy. It’s a good influence.
He has the patience of the Gods.
He never impulsively snaps to answer things out of anger or passion. He thinks so gracefully before he speaks and that in and of itself demands respect from people.
He cares about sexually pleasing me. He has always been a generous lover and in tune to my needs. He doesn’t experience his ideal pleasure unless I experience pleasure.
Douglas: Artistic; great role model for 2 daughters; empathetic; humour; breasts.
I TOLD YOU IT WAS GOING TO BE BREASTS!
7. What are the top five things you and your partner have in common? Values, interests, goals, etc.
Ariel: Our overall dreams (moving to Colorado when the girls are older and off to college).
Our parenting styles. This has always been a really harmonious and agreeable aspect of who we are as people. In some ways, if it wasn’t for this, we may not have lasted from the start.
Our sense of humor. We are disgusting people. Dirty. Sarcastic. DRY.
Food! Oh, my, we love FOOD. I don’t mean just eating it but we are total dining snobs. We will sit in a restaurant for hours, slowly savoring every bite. We’ll order one of everything, we get to know our server, we experience the food (not just eat to eat).
We rather talk than argue. Obviously, we may argue sometimes but it’s not our desire to have a brawl.
Douglas: Our parenting beliefs are aligned. We both value family togetherness, as well as an opportunity for solitude. Our long term goals are similar; a child together, move to Colorado, travel. Politically we are on the same page. We both enjoy great food and the service around it. Very similar goals, interests and values across the board.
People who love sex usually love food too. And you’re right Douglas, you guys are similar!
8. Have you ever been in couples counseling. Why? Did it help?
Ariel: Yes. I think there were some past experiences we had prior to marriage (cheating, bouts of alcoholism) that we may have felt were unresolved territory. We saw a therapist a few times (6 or 7). We allowed our every day schedules to take over and we let that fall to the side. I think that during that time there were moments I didn’t feel he was being or able to be 100% open about everything we had been through. Ultimately, no. I don’t think it helped.
Douglas: Briefly. Our inability to talk about fears and unresolved issues. A little bit. Would have more beneficial if we went longer.
Guys! You can go back, for enhancement! You don’t need to have a bad marriage to go.
9. How often do you hug? Kiss? Have sex?
Ariel: We hug every day and sometimes for no reason whenever. We kiss maybe once a day. We have sex about 7-10 days a month (I am trying to conceive, I have a way to reference this).
Douglas: We hug and kiss daily. We have sex not often enough. Quality over quantity could be our sex motto. Maybe once or twice a week?
Douglas, you’re forgetting half the sex you have! Your cup runneth over.
10. Which of you has a higher sex drive and how do you deal with any differences in sex drive between the two of you?
Ariel: I have a higher sex drive (for quantity) but he is definitely kinkier (that’s a word) in general. We have often had on and off fights over the years about this issue. We would go through dry spells and argue about initiation and sex drive differences. I think more so in the last year, we have come to a really good place about our acceptance of one another sexually and we are still actively growing (no pun intended) in this department.
Douglas: She does! We talk about it when it becomes an issue. We try to be more vocal and spontaneous about what we each want. Masturbation.
Douglas, you lucked out. Enough said.
11. How long did you wait to have sex? Are you glad you had sex for the first time when you did?
Ariel: We slept together on that first night together. I have referred to myself as a “booty call gone wrong” humorously. I don’t regret anything.
Douglas: Wait? We had sex on our first date. A good follow up question! Yes and no. My wife will joke that she was a one night stand gone awry. 7 years later we can dispute the joke, but it did make for an unusual courtship when sex had already happened. I wouldn’t change anything.
Oh, that’s an unusual courtship? (Blinks.)
12. What is the number one issue you fight about, and are you working on resolving it? How?
Ariel: I think we always work to resolve the issues with commonly fight about. I’m having a hard time deciding what is #1. The last fight we had was about our youngest. She can be argumentative but I only feel like she does it with me (seldom him). I can be more easily goaded into arguments but because of this I don’t feel like he is on my team when the time comes. I will start to feel like he becomes more disappointed that she and I are fighting and treating me like “one of the kids” rather than just having my back. I don’t yell at her, but something he thinks is petty may be important to me in principle.
Douglas: Our parenting situation. I have 2 daughters from a previous relationship and we fight over certain decisions, actions or comments that happen at the 2 households. We do a lot of talking and allowing one another to be angry and sad. The fighting is rare.
Douglas, read this on validating.
13. What are the top three stressors in your lives?
Ariel: Co-parenting will forever be a theme for our lives. I think all the parents involved in raising our girls are doing a wonderful job and it’s very harmonious. However, it creates an added challenge (scheduling, parenting tactics, considerations, etc). It always remains in the background regardless of how much peace may be there.
His work schedule is grueling. He works, as a restaurant general manager (doctor’s hours) and this usually means less time as a family or couple. This means missing out on special school events and sometimes kissing them good night. This all means that my full time job is used more flexibility in order to make time for picking up/dropping off kids, volunteering for the girls’ school functions, etc.
I suppose if I had to pick a third it would be money. It’s a learning process and while we both make good money, sometimes it’s all about management and communication. We both like our independence and don’t like to be micromanaged, but the topic (while it’s getting a lot better) can sometimes get contentious if not talked about with grace and tact.
Douglas: Work, children and money
I love how much more she talks than he does. LOL. Typical dynamic and one which I share!
14. What is one thing that you’re looking forward to as a couple?
Ariel: Having our own child and experiencing the challenges parenting can bring from the very start. I’ve never experienced with him the balancing act of parenting full time or with an infant. I’ve had the privilege of knowing what a wonderful he is, but to see him holding our infant child, falling asleep with our baby, playing with our first born… the thought warms my heart.
Douglas: Tomorrow.
How cute.
15. Fill this in: I am glad I married my partner because….
Ariel: there is simply no one else I rather grow with in this life, he is the only one worth it…
Douglas: she makes me a better father, husband and man.
Awwww.
16. Give me one secret thought that you’ve never told your partner. Something you think about them, about the relationship, about yourself, anything
Ariel: He may think I am a strong person but he has been responsible for fighting us all these years when things got rough. I like to think I chose him, but he is the one that kept us going. He knew something I didn’t and I’m still not sure what is was.
__________
Love this couple! Guys, you are very real and honest. Keep on keepin’ on. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Also Talks a Lot, Ariel.